Sweden Doesn't Bottom
by JustMakeLeftTurns
Summary: The Nordics have gone crazy for Sweden, apparently. Sweden calls rape. And runs for his life. Oneshot. Originally posted on deviantart. Warning: crack and OOC characters.


**I don't own Hetalia. It would be awesome if I did, though.**

**Warning: crack and OOC characters**

OoOoOo

It began like any other day. Sweden woke up, yawned, stretched, placed his glasses on his face. He blinked, once, twice. There was someone in his room. He stood warily, eying the someone. Upon closer inspection, he realized it was Finland. And Finland was staring at him with what France would probably call a "rape-face." Wait … What?

Finland, hands behind his back, face "innocent," took a step towards Sweden. Sweden opened his mouth, closed it, open, close, before he finally said, "Uh … Can I help you … Finland?"

Maybe he shouldn't have said that.

Finland bounced – _bounced_ – over to him like a giddy school girl and brought his hands out from behind his back. He held in his hands a box of chocolates and a rose. Wait … What? Sweden narrowed his eyes warily. When had Finland ever offered him these before? And … and it was supposed to be the husband who gave things to the wife, not the other way around!

And _since when_ had Finland accepted that they were married at all?

It must be a trick! It was a trick to kidnap him, mutilate his body, and sell his limbs to strange people wandering the streets!

Finland pushed the chocolates and rose into his hands, smiling sweetly. _Too_ sweetly. And he was leaning close to him. Sweden sat on the bed and scrambled backwards to get away. Finland crawled – _crawled!_ – on top of him and – No. Way. He was tugging at Sweden's shirt and –

Sweden yelped in surprise and shoved Finland away – the shorter man was acting strange, not to mention the most important thing; _Sweden_ is supposed to top _Finland_. _Not_ the other way around. Something must be wrong with Finland! He needed to get help!

Sweden pushed Finland off of him and dashed for the door. He only managed to run a few feet before bumping into Iceland, who seemed to have come out of nowhere. They both fell onto the ground, Sweden on top of Iceland in an – _ahem_ – compromising position.

"Ah! Iceland! You've got to help me! Finland's gone crazy! And I don't know what to do! It must be Russia! Brainwashed Finland somehow …" After his rambling, Sweden realized the position they were in and tried to get up … only to find that Iceland was holding onto him at the waist. Iceland blinked "innocently" – why was everything in quotation marks now? – and started reaching his hand down to grope Sweden –

"Ah! Not you too! You've been brainwashed too! First my wife – who _I'm _supposed to top – and now you-you – ! Don't touch me!" Sweden flailed, panicking, and somehow managed to get loose from Iceland … only to realize that Finland was standing _right there_. Sweden raised his head from boot to face, and shivered at the look Finland gave him.

Sweden scrambled to his feet. Finland latched onto him and pushed him into the wall. Iceland appeared beside him and petted his head like a creep … No! No! This cannot be happening! _He_ is the one who tops _Finland_. And no one else should be in this! No one at all!

Norway walked down the hallway. Sweden, seeing him, yelled over to him, "Help me! Norway! Get them away from me! They're completely crazy! They're trying to do … _things_ … to me!"

Norway strutted over to them. Sweden smiled and sighed in relief – finally, someone who was sane! Norway pushed Finland and Iceland to the side – wow, he's strong! – and Sweden makes to leave. However, Norway slams his hands on either side of Sweden's head, and is leaning in _too close! Too close!_

"AH! Somebody help me! Rape! I call rape! It's me and Finland, and no one else! _And I. Don't. Bottom!_"

And just when it couldn't get any worse – which, in reality, it really could, but Sweden wasn't thinking because, well, he just wasn't – Denmark appeared. Out of nowhere. Thin air, Sweden swears it! Denmark placed an arm around Norway's shoulders, the other around Iceland's shoulders. Denmark smirks. And winks.

And Sweden realizes he's surrounded and they're all really, really close to him and – _This. Isn't. Fair. _

"No! No! I don't bottom! Especially not for any of you!"

The other four Nordics close in even tighter around him. Sweden was yelling incoherently at that point. Every time he tried to get away, someone would shove him against the wall again. He saw all of their hands reaching towards him – _rape! Rape! He calls rape!_ – when suddenly –

He woke up.

He's in his bed.

He grabbed his glasses and stumbled out of bed. He peeked out the bedroom door. No creepy Nordics. Good. He sighed in relief. He turned around, ready to go back to sleep …

When a head poked up from under the blankets.

"Sweden? Come back to bed."

It's just Finland. And it's okay. Finland was his wife. Nothing to be worried about. Sweden took a few deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart.

His heart picked up speed again when a second head pops up. This time, it's Denmark.

"Is it time to get up?" Denmark sat up all the way. "Great! Then let's do an encore of last night!"

Sweden stared wide-eyed at the Dane. His breathing has picked up, too.

"I'm so going to top the brothers!" Denmark continued.

Sweden's eye twitched.

And Norway appeared from under the blankets beside Denmark. He stared at Denmark like, WTF?

"That's not what happened last night," Norway deadpanned.

Sweden was, by then, thoroughly hyperventilating.

"But Sweden took away my manliness! I want a rematch!"

What did he do last night?

And then Iceland's head popped up. "Has anyone here ever actually topped Sweden?"

Silence.

Sweden's legs were trembling. His eye was twitching. His breathing was really, really loud.

"So, let's all just try to top Sweden," Finland said.

Iceland, Denmark, and Norway make sounds of approval. The four of them began getting out of bed. So Sweden did what any normal person would do.

He screamed and threw the pillows from the nearby chair at the other Nordics. He ran out the door, screaming, "No! I won't bottom! I won't bottom!"

The remaining Nordics exchanged confused looks. Finland shrugged. "I guess he doesn't want another round of karaoke."

"We shouldn't play without him, though," Iceland said. Norway nodded.

"Oh, well," Denmark said cheerily. "I can't top your scores right now. But I know something else I can top!" He looked at Norway, smiling. Norway looked back, blinking nonchalantly. Finland and Iceland crept away (aka: sped out of the room at top speed).

Denmark pulled Norway on top of him.

And everything else has to be censored to protect the eyes of any children reading this.

But just know this: Sweden doesn't bottom. End of story.


End file.
